Why “Welcome” Must Mean Full Participation in the Church

For roughly 20 years I was a member of an Open and Affirming (ONA) congregation in the United Church of Christ (UCC). For those of you who aren’t familiar with the ways of the UCC, some congregations are ONA (I’ve heard a little less than half) and many are not. ONA is a designation for UCC congregations that explicitly welcome and affirm LGBTQ+ individual and their families. It involves a commitment to inclusivity and social justice because as we all (should) know, we are all God’s children regardless of sexual orientation, gender identity or expression, race, physical abilities or anything else.

Because I wasn’t familiar with many other congregations in the UCC, especially those that are not ONA, I took certain key aspects of our congregation for granted. Our music and worship director was a wonderful musician who was openly lesbian. We had many gay members, leaders and guest pastors. The now famous Out Loud Colorado Springs Men’s Chorus had its start in our congregation. We marched in the Pride Parade. We fought discrimination in policies and practice. I say I took these things for granted because I don’t associate them with specifically ONA ideas, I associate them with firmly Christian values. It is deeply Christian to create a church community where everyone is welcomed, can feel safe, know they are valued and celebrated. That means full participation. Full stop.

I’m fully aware that many churches think same sex relationships are sinful. I mean, they are completely wrong, bigoted, practice a lazy faith and I have no patience for them, but I get that they exist. But I guess in my head I kind of split churches into two broad groups: conservative churches that aren’t welcoming, and theologically studied churches that are welcoming. And, in recent years, more and more churches have said that they welcome everyone, something to be celebrated.

These churches and their newly printed welcome banners are well intentioned. But some LGBTQ+ friends of mine have taught me that welcome doesn’t always mean full inclusion. It can be difficult to get to the depth and meaning of any congregation’s welcome. Is the welcome just a superficial invite to come sit in the pews or do they truly invite everyone to full participation in the life of that congregation? Do the members believe in “welcome,” or do they fully believe that same sex relationships are sacred? Have they moved passed incorrect theology around LGBTQ+ issues or are they still trapped inside the harmful and psychologically violent, “love the sinner and hate the sin,” dysfunction?

I applaud all movements toward justice and the model of Christ’s inclusive love. Still, churches who hold that same sex relationships are sinful are doing damage to the entire world. And without real scriptural support. It’s even worse when that kind of theology is hidden inside the Trojan Horse of a not-so-welcoming welcome banner. Yes, you need a welcome statement. But it needs to go far beyond a simple, “everyone is welcome here,” message because to embody inclusivity you need to actively engage all members of the community in all aspects of the church. It’s not about welcoming people into the church, it’s about going far beyond, naming them specifically, celebrating every aspect of their being, hanging rainbow flags and more.

What good is it to be welcomed to a church that won’t baptize or marry you? Why would you attend a church that wouldn’t hire you as a minister, officiant, leader or other important role? That kind of welcome is common, but performative. And again, it’s damaging. It’s much worse to pretend you are inclusive and then slam people with discrimination and marginalization. So, when you go into a new church, be aware. Is the welcome statement explicit? Are there LGBTQ+ members serving in various roles. Are there gender-neutral bathrooms? Are people comfortable with all members serving in children’s ministry? It can be hidden and surprising at times, or maybe people haven’t thought things out. Can trans women attend the women’s retreat?

We have a church in town that is quite popular in our little conservative hamlet. They have what could be considered an “unwelcome,” statement on their web site. I’m paraphrasing, but it’s something like, “blah blah blah man and woman blah blah blah … seek mercy… God’s intended path… we don’t condone the way God made you, but you are welcome to come here anyway.” It made my blood boil when they first showed up. But you know, I appreciate their honesty so that I know never to set foot in their little Church of the Perpetually Offended. Thanks for the candor, peddlers of intolerance.

At least that church is being forthright about their bias. Churches that say they welcome people, but don’t really include people to the fullest, are doing damage in so many ways. Loving Christians who are invited to participate but find out later they aren’t truly accepted go through massive and painful feelings of rejection. LGBTQ+ sisters and brothers are already marginalized in the world at large — to trick them into feeling alienated in a church is pure evil. It erodes trust in the church and not just with your LGBTQ+ members, but with everyone. Because everyone knows truth from lie. Everyone can identify manipulation. It’s hard enough getting people to connect with Jesus when some of the worst people in the country are wrapping themselves up with dishonest Christianity.

Some churches avoid these issues altogether thinking they are avoiding emotional distress. But the opposite is true. A flimsy façade of welcome only leads to hidden feelings of inadequacy, shame, anger and resentment on both sides of the issue. If you’re going to welcome people you need to air it all out. You cannot risk inflicting spiritual and mental harm on people because you don’t want to be honest about your backward theology.

Yeah, but Matt, maybe people will leave if we have a trans person leading the children’s message.

Good. Sayonara. By Felicia. Don’t let the narthex door hit you in your southex on your way out.

Those people who are leaving because they refuse to grow up into a mature faith and accept LGBTQ+ individual are dangerous for all the above reasons. You need to protect your people and your children from the bigots, not the LGBTQ+ believers.